A Procrastinators Journey
by BirchBow
Summary: Mark Carpenter lived a boring life, but after what appears to be an ordinary R.O.B. makes an offer to him, he loses control over his life. Now he's taking part in a C.Y.O.A., and attempting to procrastinate his way to victory! Or, at the very least, survival. When it comes down to it, he is just a man after all, and what can one man truly do when faced with impossible odds?
1. Chapter 1

I do not own the Legend of Zelda, or any other franchises mentioned in this story. I also do not own any of the jumpchains or jumps mentioned. If you want to find any resources used, google it. Keep in mind that almost any action or occurrence from the second chapter on will be rolled for on a d100, this and all other rolls will be on the wizards dice roller.

* * *

As I drive home after a long day of work, I can't help but think about how boring everything is getting. I recently had to stop my hobby, and I have yet to find a new one, so I just read all day. Home life is also boring, nothing major happening there. Most of my friends I only knew and met up with through my hobby, so I don't have too much on that end either. Slowing down for traffic, I resume my wondering about what exactly comes next in my life. As the traffic slows to a halt, my musing is interrupted by annoyance and curiosity over what is happening ahead of me that is causing everyone to stop. As I become more aware of my surroundings I begin to notice some things that don't quite make sense: No movement in the rear-view mirror, a distinct lack of honking and, most ominously, a bird frozen in the sky.

At this moment a voice rings out around me "So you are bored? How about you accept a contract with me, I can guarantee it will fix what ails you." and suddenly R.O.B.. Fuck it, I don't like my job anyways, and if I am hallucinating chances are I am already dead or covered in medical bills. If this is real, I now have something to do. "Good choice, we will cover the contract at a later date, for now you will be sent to an automated system to get a taste of whats to come..." With that, reality set itself back into motion, my eyes began to close, and right before it all went dark I saw a man in a green suit.

Everything flashes back into existence as I hear the words "Hello, and welcome to the G.A. C.Y.O.A. system. If you are here, you've been selected by Redacted to take place in an event to (Insert Reason for Acceptance Here). Please select your C.Y.O.A.!" Alright, so far everything here seems to be standard R.O.B. shenanigans, bar the automated voice messaging system. Thankfully, this task appears to be something achievable. If I remember correctly a C.Y.O.A. is either a choose your own adventure story, or a fanfic/journey where one gets to choose a setting and then gain items and abilities based on what the menus provide. If it's the former, It is possible to 'win' it, and if it is the latter it will be far more unpredictable, but I will be given advantages to compensate for the more arbitrary 'victory conditions'. While I personally prefer the latter when reading, the former seems a bit easier, and thus enticing.

Deciding that I should look around and find out more about whats going on, I discover I am in a dull gray landscape that seems to stretch to infinity. Unlike most other infinite gray landscapes I have heard of, this seems to actually have features such as trees, ponds, and hills, one of which I am currently standing on. There is what appears to be a hovering drop down menu in front of me with the words 'Select a C.Y.O.A.' across it. Standing out from the gray of the hill, there is a brown stool and a green apple. Shrugging I sit down and begin to scroll through the menu.

My hopes for an easier journey is crushed when I notice most of the options bear the title of well known franchises, and my dreams are further trampled upon when I notice there are hundreds of options. Being as indecisive as I am, I know I will be unable to make a choice, so I begin to prowl through the names for a **Random** option. Upon finding it I click it and watch as the list starts to spin through the names. At about this time I start on the apple, waiting for the list to slow down. I wonder where I will end up? Maybe Middle Earth? What about 40k... What I had just done begins to set in as I immediately slap myself with my free hand and begin to hope the I don't land in a death world. I polish off the apple, and the list begins to slow down seeming to stop at the Ks? No, the Ls.

"Congratulations, you have selected **The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild**. Be prepared to make your choices to succeed in your journey, and remember to set goals for yourself in order to gain maximum enjoyment! You have 1000 points to spend, and you will be living there for 10 years before returning." The selection screen disappears, as a pencil and a small sheaf of papers materializes on my lap. Looking through it I find that it is the C.Y.O.A. that was selected. I begin to select my options, occasionally getting a message in front of me as I flip through the pages. Firstly, I select drop in(1000) as I fear that there could be mental changes that come with a change in species. After that I allow a random roll for my starting location, landing in The Great Plateau. I decide to start 1 year before Link awakens, and select the HUD(900) and the Gifts from Above(700) perks. Skipping companions, as they all probably have something to do after my time there is up, I move to items, selecting the Sheikah Slate(600), the Magic Glider(600), an unbreakable Knight Sword & Shield(400), a Pouch of Holding(300), a Potion Pouch(150), and a Pouch of Clothing and Armor(0). Moving on to drawbacks, I select two Bokoblin rivals(100), and grab a Magic Cooking Pot(0) for my troubles. Once the papers disappear, I mentally prepare myself for the jump.

"Due to this being your first jump with us, you automatically select the following sub-choices: Body Mod, The Bay, and The Warehouse. For now, however you will only fill in the Body Mod section. Thank you for jumping with us!" and I am suddenly caught flat footed as I thought this was over. Grumbling about voices ruining cool moments I begin to fill out my body mod(In an effort to save time I will just list the total affects): medium size, metavore, Strength one, endurance two, speed two, dexterity three, appeal one, shape one, and sense two.

Ready to finally get on my way I look around to see if there any more screens. After seeing none, I prepare to get up and start my adventure! Then I curse as I hear the words "Preparing for Shift, please stay in stool for an estimated two hours to process your Shift" The cursing continued for three more hours.

When the wait was finally over, the world began to gradually lighten. "Apologies for the delay, Shifting now…" these words made me feel like the wait was worth it, like I could finally get going on my adventure! While the wait was arduous, I was thankfully able to set my story straight because of it. Finally, the world was all white, then dark.

* * *

I opened my eyes. I looked around, and saw tall trees, some decent sized rocks, and a cliff face that stretches to the sky. "Fuck, they dropped me off just outside the plateau, in other words, at the _bottom_ of it. Should have seen this coming, the B in R.O.B. stands for bastard in many circles for a reason after all."

As I lament my situation I take my focus off the cliff and begin to focus on myself. I seem to be shorter, as I think I would normally count as large for the purpose of body mod. The fat I was beginning to pick up after I stopped going to the gym was gone, and using a nearby puddle I was able to tell my eyes were still as brown as my hair, which was still a curly mess. My breathing seemed far more even, so I am guessing the endurance points did their job, and I no longer seem to have my glasses. While looking in the puddle I notice a sword hilt at my waist, and a shield on my back. On the belt my sword is on I have two pouches and my Slate. I reach into the first one and find a bottle of red liquid, which I think is a health potion. In the second one I find the Hylian Trousers and a shirt, changing into them I check my reflection again, and find myself looking more prepared for the wilderness. It was only then that the HUD appeared, and after checking the weather, I move onto my health. Six hearts, the standard three plus my endurance I guess. But why did I get three extra when I only gave endurance two points? Something to think about later, after I get some shelter.

After taking another look around and finding nothing, I begin to face my first true opponent in this world. A cliff. "Only one way to go from here, I guess. Onwards and upwards! Generic motivational quote! ...Maybe tomorrow." This is my story. This was how I, Mark Carpenter, attempted to procrastinate myself up a cliff.


	2. Chapter 2

After staring at that cliff for 4 hours, Mark decides to move on. There is no possible way he could climb that, its too steep, and he still needs to get his bearings. Besides, its not like he has a time limit to get up there, he should take it easy, find another way up. With that, Mark departed into the forest. He begins to navigate through the underbrush, but upon spotting a red moblin armed with a club bigger than he is, he immediately goes back to the cliff. He doesn't know how to fight, and he most certainly cannot take that _thing_! If he does indeed plan on traveling away from the cliff, he should at the very least get familiar with his sword. Maybe even find a bokoblin to fight, they can't be That big, right?

Drawing his blade and reaching for his shield, he tries to figure out a training plan. Unfortunately, he fails to get the shield off his back. Letting out a sigh of defeat, he lays his back against the cliff side and thinks about climbing it again. "I will give it one try, just one, then I go back to trying to get this damned shield off my back." Standing up and turning around he tries find a good spot to start, and upon finding someplace where he at least thinks he can climb, he begins his slow trek up the cliff. Around a quarter way there he begins to lose his grip, falling not long after. Almost on instinct, he pulls out his glider and gently hits the ground, just in time. This happens several more times, each ending with him making no more progress then the first.

Falling back against a rock, he breathes heavily, taking another look at his most despised adversary. It was only then that he saw another path that sloped gently upwards, compared to the steep path he had been attempting. While he normally would express frustration at the fact that he missed something that obvious once again, all he could find the energy for was relief because he would not have to sleep down here with the moblins. "Thank… Nayru I guess? Yeah, thank Nayru that I was finally able to notice that. Please keep pointing out the obvious and making everything I do easier."

Getting back up and stretching, he climbs the easier path to the plateau.

After the now trivial climb, Mark finds himself at the edge of a forest, and after a quick look around, he finds no enemies nearby. The ground seems rather flat, and there is a stump nearby to sit on if needed. Rather hungry after all the climbing, he begins to scour the forest for ingredients, but not before marking the area as a camp on his Sheikah Slate. Searching a fair bit beyond where he climbed up, he discovers a small grove, with a few mushrooms and what he believes is Hyrule Herb. Unfortunately, he's not the only one poking around the forest, as two bokoblins seem to have arrived here before him. One seems to be armed with a crude club and shield, and the other seems to have decided to claim a particularly long branch as a weapon. Deciding a sneak attack is the best way to go about this, he begins to crouch down and walk slowly towards them.

He manages to get quite close to the one with the shield, and when he is about to strike, he is spotted by its partner. Acting before the either bokoblin can respond, Mark swings his sword at the one that was caught flat footed. Despite Marks lack of experience, he lands a shallow blow against the bokoblin. The one with the branch jumps at him, attempting to impale him so their ally can land the finishing blow, however Mark manages to get out of the way just in time. Reacting out of fright, he clumsily swings at the attacker, only barely hitting due to the fact that that they stuck their armament in the ground. Meanwhile the bokoblin Mark ambushed had got back up, and it brought down its club right on the back of his head. Mark falls towards the ground, catching himself on his hands as he watches one of his hearts disappear, closely followed by another half a heart. Steeling himself, he gets back up just in time to see the branch coming right at him. Shrieking in fright, he flinches and dodge the stab. However, the bokoblin keeps moving forward. Realizing that the bokoblin had over committed itself to its stab, he lunges forward and catches it in the chest. The fight continues, with Mark beginning to learn to dodge on purpose, and the bokoblins having learned Marks incredibly poor and limited swordsmanship. The stalemate was finally broken when one of the bokoblins landed a glancing blow against him. He decided it was time to book it, and ran away. He didn't get too far, as one of the bokoblins threw a rock that hit him in the head, causing him to fall prone.

The branch wielding boko reached them before they got up, and landed another hit. It was about then that Marks fight or flight response kicked in again. Given that flight failed, all that was left was fight. Swinging out, he cleaves his blade into the face of the bokoblin, turning it into black smoke. The other boko, having finally arrived, went into a rage and jumped at Mark. Unfortunately for it, it had miscalculated its jump and slammed into a tree. With some slight hesitation, he impales the now helpless bokoblin, and it bursts into black smoke, leaving behind a horn. Out of breath, mark falls to the ground. "At least… I don't have to worry… about them… till the next blood moon. Are all... bokoblins... this strong?"

After gathering three mushrooms and the Herb, he heads back to the cliff. Taking out the Magic Cooking Pot, he cooked up a vegetable and mushroom skewer, and used it to restore their health to full. As the sky began to grow dark, they took out their old clothing and used it as a pillow.

Waking up to an old man in your face is not the most pleasant thing in the world. Waking up after said old man threw a bucket of water in your face, even more so.

"I'm up I'm up! Why did you do that!" Stowing their makeshift pillow into their pouch to dry, Mark gets up and examines the old man. They are tall and broad, their age only visible through their white beard. Upon noticing the cowl the old man is using to hide his face, his eyes widen.

"Oh ho, you've seen something interesting, haven't you? Or, as it so appears, someone. May I ask what seems to surprise you?" He asks, in the same tone of voice one would talk in after catching a small child reaching into a cookie jar.

"Sorry sir, just surprised anyone lives up here." I can practically _feel_ him raising an eyebrow. I can tell he doesn't believe me, but has decided not to push the matter.

He sits down on the nearby stump, and asks "Not very many people make the climb up here these days, so I suppose that is forgiven. May I ask what exactly drove you to make the journey up these treacherous cliffs?"

Suddenly my cover story fled my mind as all I could say was "I came to see if there were any good spots for fishing." why that, I have no idea. I just knew that I was in for a world of trouble if he decides to press me for questions.

"Mighty strange goal, but I have heard stranger. I believe I do know a few good spots, if you would just follow me." Sitting up, he begins to walk slowly into the woods. As Mark begins to follow after him, he asked "Fantastic weapon you're traveling with, quite a bit more than the average traveler I know of carries, where did you get it?"

"I found my sword off near some old ruins near Hateno, is it really that rare?"

"I was not referring to your sword." Well that isn't cryptic. From there the walk continued in silence.

* * *

AN: Due to how repetitive everything was getting, courage rolls are now no longer a thing, unless a character is confronting something truly terrifying. Yes, that is why they ran away from both the moblin and the cliff at the beginning, now stuff like that is going to be more 'What would the character do?'. They are still going to run away a lot, however, just not in the back and forth sense that kept happening whenever I was trying to write the beginning of this chapter. Then they lost a third of their health to a Branch and a Club. His rolls are all so poor on easy encounters…. Now onto how the rolls actually work.

Mechanics: There will be one of these sections for each chapter from now on, so if you are curious about how everything behind the scenes actually works, be patient! At its core, the system boils down to rolling a d100 and adding whatever modifiers would apply. Modifiers can come from equipment, ability, talent, training, and stats. Talents are rolled for all major and permanent characters, excluding those who would already have a verifiable talent. For example, due to Link's soul being reincarnated all the time and having at the very least influences of that on his skills, Link is talented at many things. The largest influence is on his one handed swordsmanship, with the ranking of prodigy. That is a +20 to any and all actions regarding one handed swords. That is without training.

Training is something any person can do in my system, and it maxes out at Master, or +25. Guess what rank Link has. To those of you who may call shenanigans with amnesia, everything after expert(+20) is affected by something called muscle memory. At that point it is impossible to truly forget your abilities. Moving on, you might be wondering what talents Mark has? Exactly one. I roll a d10 for talents, and he got a one. Then I roll a D4 for its application. He got utilities, or a 3. From there the ever growing list for whatever category is rolled is put into a random selector, and Mark got cooking. Useful in Breath of the Wild, not so much in many other places. Mark is, so far at least, incredibly unlucky.

After that, we have ability, this one is sort of like stats. For those of you who do not know, stats are numbers used to measure a persons raw strengths. Stuff like how smart or fast you are, how you take a hit, or how charismatic you are. If we return to Link as an example, you would find decent intelligence and wisdom, with currently rather low strength and endurance. I say currently due to his 100 year nap not being the best thing for training and maintaining ones body. When he recovers from that, he will be even more powerful than he already was.

Finally we have equipment. Swords, armor, magic jewelry, that one nifty hat you find in the street, all of those counts as equipment. Equipment determines damage(both taken and given), speed, and in some cases accuracy. Weapons in BotW are proportional to the game, with the exception of legendary weapons, which are a fair bit stronger. To make a long story short, with a complete Master Sword and a fully trained and capable Link, you cannot roll lower than an 81. Luckily enough, a random soup ladle is not the Master Sword, so Link can still miss due to the fact that soup ladles do not give accuracy. Hooray, my system is not completely broken yet! Just heavily in favor of the guy who can beat an ultimate evil in his underwear. To everyone who has stuck around to read what could potentially be the largest mechanics section I will ever willingly write, have an Omake.

"So far everything is going to plan." The Man in Green mused "While the man is a bit less capable than expected, he has not done anything too unusual yet. So far all he has accomplished is underwhelming me. I thought others did this to take some kind of fun, but perhaps there is more to the selection process than just grabbing a random person off the street..."

"Perhaps I am being too quick to judge, but perhaps it is… Unfortunately, that is all you viewers will get. No spoilers and all that" Looking at you, he smiles. "However, maybe just one more. To many of you, I am a R.O.B." he shakes his head "But you could not be more wrong, for you see, I am a Character."


End file.
